Having children is a rather big decision in an individual or couple’s life. After all, bringing a new life into this complex world should not be taken lightly. Add to that the responsibility a parent has for their child, a responsibility that never ends. Then there are the teenage years.
If you have children and you have walked through the teenage years already, then please provide comments for the rest of us to learn from your experiences. For the rest of us, I will provide as much insight as I can into how my wife and I are raising three teenage daughters ages 15, 14, and 12. Technically the twelve year old is not a teen, but she has become a “tween” and frankly this is close enough. The examples provided are also useful from a business perspective. The many leadership strategies I have learned at work have helped me to manage my children better and vice versa.
I chuckle every time someone asks me if I have any children. My response is, “yes three daughters.” The next thing the person usually says is “I hear boys are easier to raise.” This always makes me feel a little defensive, but truthfully I think they are, at least in the teenage years. I remember when my daughters were little girls (pre-tween and teenage). The girls were easy to manage, dressing them was simple, feeding them meals was a breeze, and haircuts were non-events, overall life raising little girls was great. Then the “tween” years rolled around and things began to change.
Once the “tween” years began, the girls became more difficult to deal with, they weren’t the little girls of past. Situations like a simple dumb statement from me like “your hair is kind of weird today” would cause a melt down in any of my daughters. It would take me a half hour or more to convince them I don’t know anything about hair and that they should generally listen to their mother on those important issues.
Here are four tips that I have found useful while working and raising teenagers:
1) Communication is Key – Teenagers want to talk and a lot of the time they do not have anyone to whom they can talk. Yes they have friends, but they don’t always want to confide in their close friends for fear of being rejected. One of the hardest things I had to do in my work life was to make time for my children when they wanted to talk. Don’t be shy. Ask your kid if he or she wants to talk about something, when as a parent you can tell there is something wrong.
2) Listening Wins Them – You can make the time to talk with your child, but if you are not invested in what they are actually saying, they will know. Take time to step back, listen, ask questions, and dads don’t always try to fix your daughter’s problems. I have learned this the hard way. I work from home and listening with interest has been hard for me at times. I will have pressing deliverables, projects, or the like, and feel distracted when one of my daughters and I may be having a really important conversation. Close your laptop and don’t answer your phone, listen.
3) Meet Them Where They Are – Find out what your teenager likes to do and participate in that, even if it is going to a Taylor Swift concert. This bridges the gap between parent and teen, building good experiences into the relationship.
4) Be Involved - Being a retired cop I have no problem checking my daughters’ cell phones for text message content. I also check to see when they were texting from the phone records to make sure it was not all night. Ask them point blank questions about drugs, alcohol, etc because they are exposed to so much more than you know while in middle and high school. You can learn a lot about your kids by finding out with whom they are spending time. Heck, I have done quick background checks through the courts on some of the friends of my daughters’ parents, just saying.
The above tips can be applied to anyone’s work environment, just replace children with “customer,” “co-worker,” or “supervisor” and win people over with the four tips above.
I don’t pretend to have raising teenagers completely licked, but I am learning. I don’t always live by the four tips above because I work a lot and get caught up in that world. But, I try to do my best and make sure my kids know that because they are not going to be teenagers living in my house forever. My goal is to prepare them to be adults and being involved with them is the best shot I have at doing this. MV
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